This Family Life By Jon Rance – Synopsis and Extract

[amazon_link id=”B00LDG3854″ target=”_blank” ][/amazon_link]Jon Rance is back with a new book this year and it’s the follow up story to ‘This Thirty Something Life’. I am delighted to have not only the synopsis of ‘This Family Life’ but also an extract from the story. So sit back, relax and enjoy this latest taster from Jon’s latest book.

The story of ‘This Family Life’ is –

Taking up where This Thirtysomething Life left off, Harry Spencer and is wife Emily are back and trying to survive their first year of parenthood. It has its ups and downs (and a few bits in the middle), but along the way they begin to understand the true meaning of family and what it takes to be a parent.
Featuring a hilarious cast of extras including Harry’s father-in-law Derek, who has a unique problem with Scotch, Steve and Fiona, the parents from children’s entertainment hell, and a yoga instructor with a prominent camel-toe, This Family Life is the ultimate comedy for anyone who is a parent, has a parent, or is thinking about becoming one.

Extract

Tuesday 1 January 7.00 a.m.

New Year’s Day

In the lounge watching William sleep. Emily’s asleep upstairs. It’s drizzling with rain. All quiet on the Wimbledon front.

Last year was generally a bit shit. I almost had an affair with my old sixth-form ex-girlfriend Jamie, but didn’t. I almost lost Emily as a result, but didn’t. I almost lost my job, but luckily my evil Headmistress Miss Simpson was fired before me, and so I didn’t. I was also accused of raping Emily’s grandmother, but that was just a misunderstanding. The one bad thing that did actually happen was that Grandad died.

There was of course, the one amazing, brilliant and wonderful thing that happened last year, and has completely changed my life. William. He’s four and a half months old now and I’m still in complete and utter awe of him. He has Emily’s face, her dark eyes, and her slender nose. He has the cutest little baby body and as my mother always points out, such adorable little fingers and toes (or ‘piggies’ as she calls them), although he does seem to have my knees (the poor bugger). He’s definitely a handsome little fella, although from somewhere in the darkest recesses of our family gene pool, he’s got the world’s craziest hair. It’s dark like Emily’s, but as patchy as fuck and because it’s long in some parts and short in others, he has a sort of ‘old man comb over’. I don’t care though. He could look like a baby Adolf Hitler and I’d still love him more than anything in the world. Saying that, I do wish he’d have the decency to have a lie-in once in a while.

I’m thinking about last year because I’m making some resolutions for this new one and I don’t want to fuck this up. Having almost lost Emily once, I can’t go through that again and most of all, I want to be a good dad to William.

After some thinking, a strong cup of coffee, and three (that’s right, three) Shredded Wheat, I come up with this:

New Year’s Resolutions

Don’t do anything really fucking stupid.

This should just about cover everything.

Despite last night being New Year’s Eve (the biggest party night in the world and usually an alcohol-fuelled orgy of disgracefulness) Emily and I were tucked up in bed by ten-thirty. We couldn’t even stay up for Jools Holland’s Hootenanny.

It was just after ten and Emily was falling asleep on the sofa.

‘I can’t make it,’ she said.

‘Just another hour.’
‘I can’t.’

‘But the Hootenanny, Em.’

‘Sorry,’ she said and trudged off upstairs.

I tried to stick it out, but I fell asleep shortly afterwards and then went to bed. For the first time since I was about ten, I didn’t see in the New Year and I missed the Hootenanny. The stench of middle-age wafts pungently around the Spencer household.

Something else that’s wafting pungently around the house is William’s nappy. He just did something evil in it. I’ve been a father for over four months now and I’m used to William’s poos, and so without even looking, I know this one is bad.

The Poo Index

Rabbit droppings. Small, hard and harmless.

Pebbles. Larger than rabbit droppings, but still fairly firm. Low to medium on the whiff factor.
The Curry. Messy. Stinky. A pain to clean up and leaves a lingering stench.

Throw up. Poo that looks like puke. Runny and grainy with traces of food. Not as smelly as the curry, but a higher chance of leakage.

The Monster. Does exactly what it says on the tin. It’s messy, the smell hits you right away and won’t go away for days, and the clean-up requires gloves, a mask, and preferably an incinerator.

7.15 a.m.
Nuclear. I just added this to the list after William’s poosplosion. I think the name says it all.

You can buy [amazon_link id=”B00LDG3854″ target=”_blank” ]This Family Life from Amazon[/amazon_link]